I am constantly changing.
The number one thing I accept about me is that I am and will always be constantly changing. Hi there, my name is Ashleigh. When I started randomly writing this, I was determined to remain anonymous because I was ashamed of myself and my struggles with mental health and life in general. 2019 was the worst and best year of my life because I (thought) I lost everyone; turns out every lost friendship is a gain. Throughout the year, each one of my relationships imploded in order to make way for the new, better, more authentic version of me. Friendships of 20 years ended, my on and off relationship of 8 years went off again, and my father passed on from his experience with cancer. I totally get that all of these things sound tragic at first, but believe it or not, I am finally happy. After all these years, I’m finally winning my battle with mental health. All I had to do was completely tear my life apart and build a new one.
I felt lost, hopeless, and out of place for years, but after each person left my life, I started to feel better. I started posting on Instagram anonymously as a way to release my anger and it really worked! I have even drawn in some amazing people that I’m talking to on a regular basis. This year I am creating the life of my dreams and a soul tribe I can love. I felt so miserable being a waitress and following the basic rules of society and I started learning about the law of attraction from Esther and Abraham Hicks. This really helped me to start following things that make me feel good and turn away from things that make me feel bad. My goal in life is to feel joy and love for myself and the rest of the world.
I decided to continue doing what feels good and follow the path of least resistance and become a travel blogger and a photographer – my wildest dreams. Other people are doing it, why can’t I? There’s absolutely no reason I can’t, so I am. My photos are for sale here. A realization that came to mind a few days after this new idea. My father wanted to beat his cancer and travel around the country on his motorcycle from hospital to hospital to spread the word of god. I thought that was just incredible. I never imagined him to be the type of man to want to do that. You really see a person change when they are faced with something like cancer.
Another thing he told me that was out of character was to travel across Europe if I ever got the chance. He was always so conservative and only told me to be safe and do safe things. I was really moved by this and I always wondered how I would make it a reality. I thought I was the type of person who might never get the chance to take a trip like that. That the chance wouldn’t come to me. That I couldn’t earn the chance. That it was a one in a life time thing. This really made me start to evaluate my future and my present. Did I really think I was going to be living at that sort of financial level for the rest of my life? Yeah, I did. It seemed hopeless. I felt like I had no talents and nothing to offer the world. Depression.
Since other things in my life had already started to improve, I decided to keep pushing forward. I kept reading and reading, listening to podcasts and youtube videos, meditating, the works. I kept feeling better and better. I finally got to the point where I’m done waiting for life to happen to me or for me. I am going to Europe now, not hopefully in the future. (Well, now in the future because of covid…) This caused a whole lot of other dominos to fall down. My heart is in search for spirituality and truth and that is exactly what I intend to find and feel as I travel this world.
I already have a lot planned for myself in 2020. EDIT – and I got to do some of these! Wasn’t able to leave the country because of covid, but everything happens for a reason!
- Los Angeles for a spiritual weekend at the Peace Awareness Labyrinth & Gardens, and the Self-Realization Fellowship Lake Shrine
Europe: Barcelona, Amsterdam, Paris, London Thailand: Bangkok and Chiang Mai for my second Loy Krathong Festival
- Camping explorations up and down the west coast, California, Oregon, Washington. Lassen National Volcanic Park, Crater Lake
I don’t want to talk too much about my past suffering because it only brings it back into focus. Based on my new life and beliefs, it is now irrelevant to me. I have done the inner healing work and will continue to strive to heal and cope with pain. I accept that this is a natural and expected part of living. I saved this little paragraph from my old about me page:
Since I was thirteen, I suffered from depression, anxiety, social anxiety, bipolar II disorder, and my most recent obstacles are PTSD and borderline personality disorder. I have seen therapists off and on and the conclusion is PSTD and BPD, which explain the other symptoms listed above. I never considered PSTD because I did not remember what happened up until a few years ago when I started remembering trauma. I had dissociated myself with my childhood and bad memories in order to try and become a successful adult. In doing so, I completely locked up who I truly was. I was the definition of codependent people pleaser. I had no idea who I was, what I liked, what I didn’t like. I was no one.
Since International plans were cancelled, I started traveling up and down the west coast in my Honda Element and started living part time van life, here’s my sweet YouTube channel. I would love it if you could take a second to subscribe to support me for free.
I also got hooked tarot cards and astrology, my newest endeavors. I recently started a new Instagram Attracting Authentic Readings. I create tarot spreads, do daily oracle card readings, and more. This feels like it’s always been a calling for me and came so easy. I’m finally turning my passions into my jobs. I am so grateful for all the support I have received so far and a big thank you to anyone reading this now for following, sharing, liking. It’s crazy what you can accomplish when you follow what feels good.
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